On the couch with Jasminda

DEAR Jasminda,

Frequently when I go shopping someone pushes a trolley into my ankles. How do I avoid this painful scenario?

Jim R.

Dear Jim,

In the wrong hands, a trolley can be a weapon of mass destruction, thrust into the legs of an unsuspecting shopper when they are simply trying to reach for a bag of frozen peas (or, if in Aldi, a pair of snow boots, a cocktail shaker, and a battery-operated angle grinder).

There should be the requirement of a trolley licence, with no trolley issued unless the shopper has been through a series of basic etiquette tests. These include, at a minimum:

-the ability to start and stop within five seconds without the need to operate as a battering ram

-competence in moving quietly and efficiently down the aisle instead of using the trolley as a dodgem car with a squealing toddler in tow

-the ability to make your way calmly to a checkout instead of standing with a leg in each queue, a bit like Trump between Greenland and Venezuela (hedging your bets on whatever scenario will move more quickly so you can bludgeon your way through).

The trolley licence should also include post-shopping etiquette.

All shoppers should be marked as “Competent” or “Not Yet Competent” as they make their way to their vehicle. Scraping the trolley along the side of a mint-condition BMW without leaving a note is an instant suspension.

Parking the trolley on a verge and then walking away as it rolls into incoming traffic is also a black mark indicating that further training is required.

Standing in a huddle with other shoppers talking about utter dribble while another person is trying to pass, will be noted as extreme passive aggression (and/or willful ignorance) and result in additional social skills training (which is a core competency unit that can cross over to other training courses such as ‘Parking in a Public Carpark’ and ‘Cafe Considerations 101’).

And, finally, leaving your trolley with rubbish in it, making it the problem of the next shopper, will require a trolley training intervention.

I feel these interceptions will resolve your issues, Jim.

Perhaps it will make you feel better to know you are not alone.

Many of us bear the scars (quite literally) of callous trolley steerers.

Carpe diem,

Jasminda.