‘On the couch’ with Jasminda

DEAR Jasminda,

I’ve been invited to the staff Christmas party but the people going are hard partiers and I always end up being the designated driver.

I’m aware there’s an expectation for me to remain under-the-limit to ferry all the guests home.

I’m thinking I might not go for this reason.

Harriet L.

Dear Harriet,

Christmas parties are fraught at the best of times, but most people get through them by knowing that if they have a few strong drinks at the start of the night, they can probably cope with Jules from accounts turning into a messy drunk and reciting everyone’s mental health leave accruals, or Garry the sales manager who (after downing a six-pack) is under the impression he has a six-pack, flirting outrageously and inappropriately with the office staff.

Then there’s Mira, your boss, normally a straight-laced executive, who, as the night progresses, reveals her penchant for lip synching every song from the Rocky Horror Show (complete with pelvic thrusts).

These gradual devolutions are somehow acceptable, and even entertaining, when you’re a bit tipsy yourself, but when you’re stone-cold sober and anticipating a car trip home that resembles the courtesy bus back from Wine Country, it’s hard to stay positive.

You need to say, straight up, before anyone falls under the false pretense that you are a bodyguard, or an allied health worker, or a clinical psychologist, that you are also attending the party to enjoy yourself.

Leave your car at home. If you don’t drink, furtively order some water in shot glasses and make a show of slamming them down in quick succession.

If there’s any uncertainty as to your ability to be a rescuer, perhaps start a rousing rendition of Taylor Swift’s The Fate of Ophelia, using whatever props you can find (a life ring would be handy).

Hopefully they will be smart enough to read the subtext that you will not be saving any of them that night.

Carpe diem,
Jasminda.