‘On the couch’ with Jasminda

DEAR Jasminda,

My wife recently picked every green mango off our tree because she was worried about possums and bats.

Now we have green mangoes all over the house and they don’t seem to be ripening.

Has she made a fatal mistake?

George F.

Dear George,

Since I’m not a mango expert, I was tempted to type your query into AI, but then, on pondering that decision, I felt confident that AI would drip feed me an overly-enthusiastic answer that, at best, would give me no real clarity, and, at worst, would be erroneous, incorrect through omission, and/or provide ghost citations (for example: The Grower’s Guide to Magnificent Mangoes: Science Indirect).

The response would also use the same amount of water it would take to water an actual mango tree and similarly drip feed it in that aggravating people-pleasing manner that AI has adopted to make mere mortals feel special.

I imagine it would go something like, ‘So, George, you’re growing your own fruit. Good for you. Mangoes are a great source of Vitamin A.

You are right to be concerned that your wife has prematurely picked your mangoes, but there may be no cause for alarm.
Are the mangoes hard?

If you give me some more information, I may be able to offer some solutions.’

This conversation could go on ad finitum because AI starts off helpful, and ends up clingy.

Soon, what was a simple question has more segues than a Seinfeld episode.

Not only are you getting tips for growing mangoes, but you’re being offered a three-week mango cleanse diet, a daily itinerary for a round-the-word mango expedition, 32 things to do with mango skins, and potentially relationship counselling (and you have now used enough water for a mango orchard).

Instead, George, let me offer you some casual mango tips (learned the old-fashioned way i.e. trial, error, and a local hobby farmer).

1. It is actually okay to pick mangoes when they are green – a good tip is to look at the colour of the stalk. If it’s yellow, then go for it.
2. Mangoes will ripen at room temperature in their own good time, but you can hurry the process along by putting them in a brown paper bag (the bag traps an odorless gas called ethylene which speeds up the ripening process).
3. Once one mango starts to ripen, they will all join in, like some weird, sweet-smelling flash mob.
4. Now you have a new problem i.e. what to do with 75 ripe mangoes. Let me come back to you on that one.

Carpe diem,
Jasminda.