‘On The Couch’ With Jasminda: Justice meets Machievellian workplace manipulator

DEAR Jasminda,

There is a person in my workplace who is charming to colleagues, but then stabs them in the back at the first opportunity. He spreads rumours, pits people against each other, tells outright lies and turns on anyone who doesn’t agree with him. I love the job, but can’t stand the environment he’s created. Help!

Fiona W.

Dear Fiona,

This person you speak of sounds very much like someone who’s been reading Machiavelli’s political treatise ‘The Prince’, not for the purposes of writing a damn fine comparative essay in consultation with Shakespeare’s ‘Julius Caesar’, but to embroil himself in acts of sabotage and manipulation for power and personal gain.

I’ve never understood why people have to commit dastardly acts in workplaces. It’s hard enough turning up to the same grind year after year with little more to look forward to than a wage, Leonie’s home-baked cookies, the end-of-year Christmas party, and the mid-year team building conference (which does nothing to improve team building, but is an opportunity for a two-day retreat with karaoke and post-team building vodka).

And yet, these characters turn up from time to time to test our mettle.

Unfortunately the punishment for this Machievellian character cannot come from the era of the concept’s inception.

If it did, we would be looking at punishments from the 1500s, in which case there would be a range of options including a public flogging or stretching (and I don’t mean Child’s Pose from Pilates, but a device that leads to dislocation at a minimum).

While satisfying, I’d imagine you’d have a few things to explain to HR in your annual performance review.

Instead, Fiona, you need to hold your head high, keep out of the muck heap, keep clear documentation, report issues as they arise, and (as hard as it may be) maintain your professionalism, because, eventually, he will be his own undoing (or you’ll find a better job).

Either way, the truth will come out.

In Shakespearian terms, this manipulator, this ‘engineer’, will ultimately be ‘hoist with his own petard’ and vengeance will be as sweet as one of Leonie’s Salted Butterscotch Choc Chunk Cookies.

Carpe diem,

Jasminda.