On the couch with Jasminda: Write it like it is

DEAR Jasminda,

A FRIEND’S son has asked me to write a personal reference for him as he is going to court.

I hardly know the kid and what I do know isn’t very positive.

I think I have only been asked because I have a good standing in the community.

How do I tactfully get out of this situation?

Rhiannon G.

Dear Rhiannon,

You most certainly shouldn’t write a reference for a person you don’t know very well.

My advice to you is that what is said in person is hearsay, but anything you put down on paper could one day be held against you.

This is a hard but important lesson for everyone to learn.

In the past, these ‘putting down on paper’ experiences, often written in the heat of the moment, or the dead of night, and resulting in pages of self pity and recriminations have given rise to the receiver dragging those letters out in the future and using them in ongoing discussions.

In contemporary times, you can add text messages, online comments, and even photos or videos to the mix.

In your own case, if you provide a reference saying little Johnny is a fine, upstanding member of the community who volunteers his time, works at the local rescue animal shelter, waters the gardens of the elderly and infirmed, and participates in clean up Australia events, when in actual fact little Johnny paints his graffiti tag on every available bus stop, hoons around on his e-bike, shoplifts from the local markets, and is, in reality, a little ratbag, you are doing him a grave disservice.

He will learn nothing, and will continue to go about his merry way while others make excuses for his poor behaviour.

The idea of a reference letter is losing traction, because no one writes the brutal truth.

Reference letters are a bit like resumes -they should be taken with a grain of saltIf you must write one, say it as it is, and then let your friend decide whether they will use your letter.

Something like: To Whom it May Concern, I write this reference for John Doe, a kid I hardly know, and what I do know may prejudice his court outcome, and not in a good way for John.

Yours sincerely, Rhiannon G.

That should suffice.

Carpe diem,

Jasminda.